Donald Miller explains how to forgive someone—and why it's so important to do so.

I confess I’m the type of person to hold a grudge. It’s not that I want power over people, which is often the motive for holding a grudge; it’s just that I want all-due glory for my suffering. If somebody is causing me some pain, I want them to know I am bearing it for them. For this reason, it’s hard for me to forgive my enemies. If people slam me on the Internet, it’s hard to forgive. If people screw me in a business deal, it’s hard to forgive, too. And for so long it seemed there was nothing I could do about it. I knew I’d be better off to forgive, but how? What are the steps to controlling your uncontrollable emotions?

I don’t fully know the answer to that question. Part of the reason it’s so hard to forgive is pride. If I forgive, it feels like I’m also saying they had the right to do me wrong. That doesn’t feel right. But it’s a real feeling.

Additionally, if I’m having to forgive somebody who really has no idea what they did that was wrong, it’s even more difficult. It means you are doing the hard work of forgiving them and they have no idea they wronged you, or worse, they don’t honestly care. So why forgive?

Before I say why, I should say how. Here’s how:

• Go through the stages of grief. Let the offense shock you, then let it completely hurt you. Don’t avoid the pain. Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is. Please know it will end in time. It will get 2 percent easier every day. Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

• Then let the offense make you angry. Don’t lash our or you’ll be guilty yourself. Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control. And don’t feel bad for being angry. The last thing you need is anger and shame. Just punch a pillow and make it through. The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time.

• After being angry, accept what has been done. Accept it as a fact and don’t over-analyze it. It happened. This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a fact you can’t change.

• From there, you’re at a place to forgive. It will be hard work, but it’s worth it. Sit and pray for the person you’ve been hating. Sit and imagine them with a good life, them coming to realize that what they did was wrong, maybe not to you, but to somebody—perhaps to God. Then be willing to love them in your heart. Want the best for them. Hope for the best for them. Stop praying for God to destroy them and pray for God to bless them. Pray for God to open up their hearts so they can receive the love that will stop them from hurting others. This is the only way I know how to forgive.

Why should we forgive? Well, there are many reasons, but I’m only going to focus on a few.

• The first is because, believe it or not, forgiveness is a pleasurable experience. No kidding, it feels much better than anger or hate. God has designed forgiveness as a powerful blessing for those who have been hurt. The experience of truly forgiving somebody can make you more happy than if you’d never been hurt in the first place.

• The second reason for you to forgive is that it removes you from being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first place. If it was a bad business deal, then you get to be free of it and maintain your integrity. If it was a family member talking behind your back, you get to remove yourself completely from all the complications of gossip. Forgiveness sets you free from being bogged down in knee-deep mud. Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it feels like to be God, and it’s a terrific feeling. God forgave us because it gave Him pleasure to do so. He was happy to do so. Love forgives, and so does God, and so can you.

• The third reason to forgive is that you open yourself up to amazing possibilities for a happy life. When you don’t forgive, you draw the curtains in your soul and your life gets dark. When you forgive you let the light in again, and you go on about your life in peace. And don’t you want some peace? Isn’t it time for some peace?

But the greatest thing about forgiveness is it will allow you to love again. It will allow you to love and be loved. And believe me, it’s worth it. Forgiveness is tough, for sure, but love is infinitely more valuable than the pain of forgiveness costs. No matter what you have to go through to forgive, you’re getting a steal of a deal to be able to love and be loved again. Pay the price and I promise you’ll be happy you did.

true friends

1. A good friend is honest.

A good friend may not share every detail of every second of their life, but they do try to be clear about their intentions. This means that they try to present an accurate picture of who they are and of different situations. When something doesn't seem right, they let you know.

2. A good friend is fun, unique and interesting.

OK, this is a given, and probably the reason you became friends in the first place. But there's a lot to be said for chemistry and shared interests.

As for fun, it depends how you define it: Some friends are fun because they're the life of the party, others are fun because they notice every strange little detail about a situation. Some people are fun simply because they see life like no one else does.

A good friend is at least a fairly good listener and notices how little, day-to-day things affect you. They can't read your mind, but chances are they can usually tell when you're happy, sad, excited, shocked or upset. If they're aware that they're doing something that annoys you, they try to change their ways or at least talk to you about it.

3. A good friend is supportive of you and your goals.

Sure, your friend may think you're cool, but are they on the same page as you? Do they know what you want most out of life? A
 really good friend will know what makes you tick and help you become the person you want to be. They won't try to change who you are or drag you into situations that make you uncomfortable or put you at risk of losing something that matters to you.

4. A good friend is a friend you can trust.

A true friend won't try to steal your girlfriend or boyfriend, your job or your personality. They won't gossip about you constantly or try to damage your reputation. They will let you know when they're concerned and do their best to stick up for you when you're in trouble.

5. A good friend makes it clear that they care about you.

Different people may have different ways of letting you know that they care about you. One person may give you a big hug whereas another person might gently tease you. A big clue that someone cares is that they talk to you fairly often and, in general, know what's going on in your life and act interested about it.

6. A good friend sticks with you in good times and bad.

Loyalty is a quality almost everyone lists when asked what they look for in a friend. A loyal friend will stick with you when your new play is a flop, when you bomb the SATs or when your parents get divorced. If you move or switch schools, they'll do their best to stay in touch with you.

7. A good friend accepts you for who you are, even when you're being a butthead.

In friendship, being accepting goes hand in hand with being loyal. A true friend rolls with the punches as you grow and change and know how to deal with your quirks and faults.

They are also patient with you when you make mistakes -- even big ones -- and learn how to forgive you when you hurt them. In other words, they treat you as you'd like to be treated, even when you aren't at your best.

secret to happy life

Top Ten Secrets to a Happy Family

1) Enjoy Laughter TogetherOne of the best gifts you can give your children is a happy family.

 When your children grow up and look back on the family time that you spent together, you want them to have fond memories of the good times that they had growing up. Although every family has their occasional problems and difficulties, there are some tips that you can use to insure that your family will experience a lot of happiness together.

Laughter is one of the things that helps draw families closer together. Sharing funny stories or watching humorous movies or television shows together is a wonderful way to create a connection with your children. You will find that plenty of laughter will make almost any situation that can occur in your family much easier to handle.

2) Concentrate on What You Have to Be Thankful For

So many times it seems that people focus more on the problems that they have in life, instead of truly enjoying the many blessings that they already have. One of the best ways to not only create more happiness in your family, but also teach your children the fine art of seeing the good side of things, is to focus more of your attention on the positive, instead of dwelling on the negative.

3) Share Your Happiness as a Couple with Your Children

One of the best gifts you can give a child is the knowledge that their parents truly love each other. Not only does this give them a strong sense of security, but it also provides them with a positive role modeling experience that they can look back on and emulate when they grow up.

4) Be Happy with Less

Many times financial worries and concerns can drain happiness from a family. Although you might try to hide your worries from your children, they can sense when there are problems. Try to keep your finances in order, but one of the best things you can do financially in your family is to learn how to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life. You don't need reservations at an expensive restaurant and a movie afterwards when you can enjoy spaghetti night and a comedy DVD with your children at home.

5) Practice Courtesy

Sometimes it can seem like common courtesy is a lost art. Teach your children to give happiness to others by setting a positive example of courtesy and consideration for each other.

6) Make Your Home a Place of Kind Words

Many times sibling fighting often starts when one child says something mean or puts down another child. That child responds with another insult. The fight soon escalates. To break this cycle, there should be a rule that no person puts down any other member of the family and the rule needs to be enforced, both with children and parents alike.

7) Believe in Each Other

Children build a lot of the self-esteem that they will carry for the rest of their life during the time they spend with their parents. If you ask a person with many skills how they learned to do these things, many times the answer will be that when they were growing up, their parents truly believed in them. When you believe your children can do anything, it usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 Offer Praise Instead of Criticism

Although it might be easy to find fault in small things that your children and spouse do throughout the day, remember that you can create a lot of happiness with one small word of praise, but also have the power to destroy happiness by offering criticism instead. Try to find something nice to say about everybody every single day.

9) Worry Less

Too many times families miss out on a lot of joy and happiness because they are too busy worrying about things. It could be work, school, finances, or any one of a number of other things in life that people often worry about. Try to remember that most problems tend to work themselves out, and that almost nothing is as bad as it sometimes can seem. If you sense that your spouse or child is especially worried about something, plan a private date with them and give them an opportunity to share their concerns. Often just talking about the problem can help relieve the stress and worry, and you might be able to offer some suggestions or tips for helping them deal with the issue.

10) Help Each Other

Finally, and most importantly, remember that your family is a team, and you should always fully support your "team mates." This includes assisting each other with chores when necessary, doing nice things for each other just because you know it is something they would like, and lending an ear or a helping hand when things are going bad. There is nothing better than knowing that you have the full support of all of your family members behind you.

11) Stay Active Together

Bonus Secret. Quality family time is very, very  important.  Whether it is family means, times at the park, or doing chores together. The family that stays active, and does more things together creates stronger bonds and is much happier.

amalan hidup sihat

Setiap orang pasti mahu melalui kehidupan seharian yang sihat dan ceria. Tapi, bagaimana? Ikuti 10 tips penting yang boleh menjadi amalan anda setiap hari. Mulakan dari sekarang!

1. Jangan tinggalkan sarapan pagi

Jika tidak sarapan, bermakna anda menyediakan tubuh anda tanpa tenaga! Biar bagaimana sibuk sekalipun, peruntukan waktu untuk mengambil sarapan pagi. Mungkin bijirin atau roti.

2. Tinggalkan kasut tinggi

Tidak ramai wanita memikirkan tentang osteoporosis. Sedangkan, kalau diikutkan kajian, 50 peratus wanita mengalaminya berbanding lelaki.

Apakah puncanya? Kasut tinggi anda! Malah kadar kesihatan pada bahagian khaki lebih tinggi di kalangan wanita yang memakai kasut tumit tinggi melebihi dari dua inci. Bukan bermakna anda tidak boleh memakainya langsung. Cuma, kurangkanlah kadar ketinggiannya.

Pakailah kasut yg ketinggiannya kurang dari dua inci. Jika masih mahu mengenakan kasut lebih tinggi dari dua inci, pakailah hanya pada waktu majli-majlis tertentu sahaja.

3. Makan Badam

Berdasarkan kajian di Universiti california, jika individu mempunyai kadar kolesterol yang tinggi dan dalam diet hariannya memakan badam, paras kolestrol menurun. Para penyelidik berpendapat badam kaya dengan”polyunsaturated fat’. Jadi jangan berlengah lagi, jika anda terlebih kolestrol, berusaha untuk mengurangkannya dengan mengambil badam setiap hari.

4. Sebiji oren setiap hari

Kajian di British menunjukkan sebahagian 20 peratus dari punca sakit Jantung ialah usia, tekana darah, paras kolesterol dan merokok. Kajian yang di lakukan ke atas 20,000 orang di sana, menunjukkan dengan menambahkan 50 gram vitamin c dalam diet harian, cukup untuk membuat jantung sihat. Jika anda mahukan jantung anda terus sihat, amalkan memakan oren sebiji setiap hari, tak kiralah pada waktu bila sekalipun.

5. Ketawa

Tapi, awas pastikan anda ketawa bersebab. Mungkin dengan menonton filem komedi, membaca buku cerita lucu, mahupun berbual-bual dengan rakan yang suka berjenaka.

6. Tambahkan potassium

Tahukah anda, bagi individu yang kurang potassium di dalam tubuh, berisiko tinggi untuk diserang stroke. Jadi, perhatikan makanan yang boleh menambahkan potassium dalam tubuh anda. Antaranya ialah pisang.

Memakan sebiji pisang setiap hari juga sudah cukup untuk membolehkan Potassium dalam tubuh anda sentiasa stabil. Selain itu anda boleh mengambil tembikai dan kentang rebus.

7. Kuasa bunga

Anda mungkin antara penggemar bunga segar. Mungkinkah anda juga selalu harapkan pemberian bunga dari orang lain. Mungkin, dari suami, kekasih, sahabat karib,malah sesiapa sahaja. Tapi cuba anda pergi ke kedai bunga, pilihlah jambangan bunga yang anda idamkan. Bawa pulang dan anda akan dapati, bunga yang anda beli membawa satu perubahan pada perasaan anda. Kesegarannya boleh merubah suasana di ruang yang anda letakkan bunga itu.

8. Katakan ‘cheese’

Kenapa begitu? Maknanya senyumlah. Dua ulas bibir yang tersenyum bukan sahaja menggambarkan diri anda ceria. Bahkan, ia sebenarnya membantu diri untuk melalui kehidupan seharian dengan benar-benar gembira.

9. Jangan kosongkan perut

Selepas makan pagi, jangan biarkan perut kosong. Ambillah biskut, kentang goreng mahupun bijirin. Perut yang kosong dan anda dalam keadaan lapar bermakna kadar gula dalam darah anda turun. Jadi, untuk mengelakkan perkara ini, jangan biarkan perut kosong. Makanlah sesuatu, tetapi sedikit sahaja. Nanti terlebih makan, berat pula naik mendadak.

10. Tidur berkualiti.

Tidur berkualiti bukan bermakna masa tidur yang panjang! Sebaliknya tidur apabila mata sudah mengantuk. Bangunlah apabila tubuh sudah terasa segar. Titiskan beberapa titis minyak lavender pada bantal. Tidur anda lebih selesa. Pastikan perut juga tidak terlalu kenyang sebelum melelapkan mata.

Sumber : Majalah Mingguan Wanita ,Okt/Nov 2001